Be in an environment that stretches you
“When you go for a walk with someone, something unspoken happens. You either adjust to their pace or they adjust to yours.” – Sidney Poitier
The famous Psychologist David McClelland conducted a research for over 25 years on the subject of success. He found that 95% of one’s success or failure in life is determined by their reference group. Your reference group are the people with whom you habitually associate, a.k.a your closest associates. According to his findings, one can totally transform their life by changing their reference group.
Whether you realize it or not, your life is going to be greatly influenced by the people you spend most of your time with. As the legendary Jim Rohn once observed, “We are the average of five people we spend most of our time with.” How many people do you know who have been hooked to self-destructive behaviors such as smoking, alcoholism, and other vices because of the influence of the wrong people they allowed as friends? The numbers are staggering! You see, it is simple: If you hang around compromisers, you will end up a compromiser. In other words, if four of your best friends are pessimist-complainers, you will be the fifth. If four of your best friends are deadbeat dads, you will be the fifth. If four of your best friends are drunkards, you will be the fifth. If four of your best friends are thieves, you will be the fifth. If four of your best friends broke with no tangible plan to change their circumstance, you will be the fifth. And please don’t be proud and argue otherwise, birds of same feathers flock together. On the same breath, here is something I learned in my own journey: You can’t change your life living in a state of denial. If your life sucks, you have to acknowledge it for you to change it.
To succeed in any area of your life, you must be extra careful about the kind of people you allow to influence your life. The person I am today is the result of the friends I choose to associate with. I don’t believe I could be who and where I am today if I could have allowed toxic people to influence my life. I am very careful about the people I allow in my inner circle of friends because I realized the tremendous impact a good or a bad friend can have on one’s life. And yes, our mission is to love everybody. However, we should not allow everybody in our inner circle. Some people should be kept at arm’s length.
Excellence doesn’t come on a silver platter. If you want to excel, you must interact with people who challenge you to stretch and to do better. It’s like playing any game. If you play with someone who is worse than you, guess what? You will tend to be sloppy. Why…? You are not challenged to give your best. In short, if you are the best in your team, you are in the wrong team. The best place to grow is where others are ahead of you. Associate with people who will make you sweat by challenging you every now and then. Spend your time with people who have the mindset you want to nurture; people who have healthy habits; people who are big dreamers. You see, just as mediocrity is infectious, greatness is infectious too. Great friends will infect you with greatness! Not only that, they will encourage, stand with you, and speak life over your dreams when you feel discouraged.
In the book of Luke, the Bible gives a good example of friendship we should all emulate. It is the friendship between Mary and her cousin Elizabeth. In chapter one, the angel of the LORD appeared to Zechariah and told him that his wife Elizabeth was going to have a baby. Elizabeth was barren and way up in years when she received the promise. She had never had a baby and no doubt–time and again–thoughts of discouragement and doubt pummeled her mind. I can imagine her thinking thoughts like, “Will this promise really come to pass? Did my husband hear God right?”
Five months since she received the promise, Elizabeth saw no sign of the promise ever coming to pass. Her dream seemed dead and for that long period, she felt not even a single movement in her womb.
One day, in the sixth month of carrying her seemingly ‘dead dream’, her best friend Mary who had made a surprise visit unexpectedly knocked at her front door.
With great joy written all over their faces, they hug and instantly Elizabeth received a ‘vibe!’
“All is well! My dream is alive!” exclaimed Elizabeth, holding her belly with jaws dropped.
“What is that supposed to mean?” inquired Mary.
Elizabeth: “It’s the baby inside me! He just KICKED the moment we hugged!”
Mary: “Oooh!”
The next thing… they all broke into a happy dance!
What happened? You see, Mary was a great encourager. Just her presence and words brought life into Elizabeth’s dream. She reminded her that she was the favored of the LORD. Also, Mary too had a promise of being the mother of Jesus and the moment their dreams connected, there was such an explosion of faith!
In the same way, you need people who will speak faith and life into your dream. People who will make you see the possibility of living your dream.
Who have you allowed to speak into your life? Take inventory of your inner circle of friends. Ask yourself these questions: Are my friends building me up or are they tearing me down? Are they modeling a good character in me or are they making me compromise? Then take the necessary action as early as now!
As a side note, another very important area in our lives we need to be extra careful is in the area of marriage. If you’re single and looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with, make sure you hook up with the right partner. You see, whether you like it or not, the person you decide to spend the rest of your life with will highly influence your life in ways you’ve never imagined.
In his classic book, The 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth, John Maxwell talks about The Law of Environment. This law states that “Growth lies in a conducive environment.”
How do you know you are in an environment that foresters growth? John Maxwell goes on to share 10 key characteristics of an environment that fosters growth. They include the follows:
- Others are ahead of you
- You’re continually challenged (You have sweating palms at least 3 times per week : -) )
- Your focus is forward
- The atmosphere is affirming
- You’re often out of your comfort zone
- You wake up excited
- Failure is not your enemy
- Others are growing around you
- People desire change
- Growth is molded and expected
To make sure that you continue to become a better version of yourself, always pause and check yourself against those 10 key characteristics.
Building relationships that foresters growth
Now, how do you build quality relationships? I would say two words, be aggressive. Be the person to initiate the development of healthy relationships. If you see someone whose character you admire, be bold to approach them and tell them, “Hey, I just want to let you know that you really inspire me to become a better person. I want to ask you to be my friend. I want to learn from you and grow into a better person.” From a psychological point of view, everybody enjoys being admired for what they do. So if you tell someone such sweet words and be persistent in your efforts to make them your friends, they will finally come along. But make sure you offer something of value to them as well. Don’t be a tick who just receives and never gives anything in return. That kills relationships.
If for any reason you can’t meet the person you look up to, don’t stop there. Watch all their programs, read all their books, and devour all their materials you can find. By the way, when you read a book by a person you admire, you’re actually spending time with that person. Books give us an opportunity to interact with great minds and meet people we may never get the opportunity to meet in person.
Quick points:
- Get pride out of your life. Whereas humility opens doors to learning, pride closes every opportunity coz it makes you think that you know it all. Our mission is to always be the student of the game, never the master, no matter how much you know.
- Assess your environment and do the necessary changes urgently.
- Write down 3 names of the people you admire and pursue them aggressively. Be the one to initiate the relationship. For those you can’t meet in person, make books and online resources your friends.
- Never walk around without a book in your purse or a learning program on your phone.
